Elite's, Humans, and a tank gone missing
by Rajion1
Summary: This is a battle with useless soldiers on both sides, not a RvB laugh grab. One shot. Try to enjoy.


Wrote this in about eight hours. This has to do with two UNC soldiers, two Elite's, a missing tank, and some banter. One shot.

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"Hey commander" said soldier #1. For the sake of names, let's call him bob. Now, let's describe bob a little bit. Well, I guess there isn't much to describe about him. Um…well, I guess his gun was shiny, in a metallic kind of way. "Is that a new helmet? You're looking handsome today."

"Thanks Bob, I do feel handsome…today. And probably tomorrow as well." said the commander. Since he holds no real significance, let's just call him, uh, Rob. Yeah. The only difference between him and Bob was that Rob was a commander. "but enough chit chat. I have a hard on. That means the enemy is here. Let's get the tank ready to go and kill those alien son of a bitches."

"You, uh, didn't happen to see the tank when you were parachuting down, did you?" said Bob. "you know. Where she was parked."

"Hmm. Let me think." Said Commander Rob. "Nope. I have to say you hid her very well. So. Where is she?"

"Where is who?" said Bob, trying to hide his stupidity.

"The tank."

"Oh, crap."

/Someplace with two Elite's/

"Who. Look at this!" said Elite #1. He was staring at a tank, hot off of the lowest bidder. I think i'll call him Honk Honk. Why? Because i can. Also, it's an Elite. "Surely this is a dream"

"Who would leave a tank in the middle of nowhere?" Said the other Elite. I'm going to call him Blarg. "Unless…"

"I think the tank is calling for me." Said Honk Honk. Then, in a falsetto voice, he said "Come on, Honk Honk. Touch me. Touch my barrel. Touch me like you never have before. Take me all the way to the Norht Pole and back."

"It's a trap!" concluded Blarg. Blarg turned to Honk Hong, who touched the tank and began to laugh like a little girl. "And worse, it's working! We are so screwed."

/Back to the humans/

"Oh. Uh, I think I misplaced it." Said Bob.

"You think you lost the tank? What do you mean you THINK you lost the tank?"

"No, I temperarily forgot where I put it. I didn't lose it. I left it because I had to take a leak, and I sure as hell wasn't about to piss in the tank."

"We are so screwed. I lost my hard on because of you. You are going to pay." Said Rob. "First you lose the tank, then you begin to whine. And more importantly, how did you lose it? It's over two freakin' stories tall! To over look it, You'd have to be a mor…oh. That explains it."

"It's not my fault." whined Bob "This war is tough. And not physically. Mentally too. There are enemies all over, trying too shoot your dk off. All I want to do is piss without getting shot in the dk." With that, Bob began to break into tears. "I didn't sign up in the army to be under those conditions. I figured stabbed, shot in the chest, burned alive, I can deal with that. Awesome ways to die. I go down in my platoon. But being shot in the Dk? That's too much man. I never agreed to that."

"Whatever. I don't want your life story. With a crap draft like you, it's only a matter of time before the enemies find us. And when they do, I'm going to make sure you get it is shot off first."

/Eliets/

"You know," said Honk Honk "I hear that when the grunts manage to capture a human, they let him live, but shoot him in the dk. All for fun." He was leaning by the tank now. She was now his lady.

"That is possibly the most inhumane thing I have ever heard." Said Blarg.

"…You want to do it now, don't you." Said Honk Honk.

"Yeah. I think I'll do it on the next prisoner."

"Yeah. So do I. And apparently they know about this too. So when they are being taken in, every answer they give is either their serial number or" at this point, Honk Honk began to imitate a human. (Feel free to use whatever stereo type you want. I recomend a indian accent.) "'Please don't shoot my dk off!' and then they shoot the chair a inch below his dk! Then, when the human feels safe, and Bang! They shoot it off!" At this point, Honk Honk began to laugh.

"Why do they do it?"

"Apparently, grunts like to mess with other peoples...stuff. I mean, they compose of half of the covenant's hookers. They like that sort of thing. The dk and ball torture. They use it in their pn industry."

"Wait. Their pn industry is composed of human's getting their dks shot off?" said Blarg "Are you sure this isn't the Japanese you are talking about?

"No, it's the Grunts. I once shared a cabin with one. Anyway, there I learned why they are blue."

There was silence amongst the two of them, the only sounds coming from the death and gunfire.

"I wonder how effective one of our blades would be?" said Blarg after a while.

"Let's try it on the next one we get." Said Honk Honk

/Humans/

"Well, it's not a total waste. I found the first three disks of Lord of the rings, the extended cut, in some rubble the other day!"

"That's great Bob. After all, you think I am a total sissy, who doesn't want to see any of the action in the films, but the boring set up. Very clear to me."

"Hey! I might be a dad someday." Replied Bob, even though that was irrelevant to the topic at hand.

/The Elite's/

"I found this in the rubble." Said Honk Honk. He held up the fourth, fifth, and sixth disks of the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy. "Want to watch it?"

"But those are the parts with all the action. What is the point without the character development?" Blarg began to shake his head, "Without the first half, it's completely useless. And the Shire is awesome."

"But,"

"Let's go. And take the tank." Said Blarg "It's attack time."

/Humans/

"So what do we do?"

"We are going to do a foolproof strategy."

"Wait for more men and lay siege?"

"No. You're going to rush them with me behind you." Commander Rob prepared a sticky, possibly for revenge.. "Come on, let's move. Charge!"

Both sides run off, weapons ready. After a while, they run into each other. Both sides have the disks revealed.

"Shoot." Said Rob. He jumped behind Bob. "Take his dk first."

"Is that what I think it is?" said Blarg, pointing to Bob's Part of "lord of the rings".

"Maybe." He looked at Blarg's part. "You?"

"Maybe. Ten hour truce?"

"Depends. Can we have our Tank back?" said Rob.

"Maybe. Got any popcorn."

"We got sour Patch kids." Said Rob.

"Deal?" said everyone at the same time.

"Deal." said Everyone at the same time.

/Somewhere else/

The four are now watching lord of the rings. After a while, they decide to take an intermission. During this, Honk Honk tries to put one of his arms around Blarg, but is shot threw the head by Rob.

"Thanks Rob." Said Blarg. "Anything you want in return?"

"Yeah." Rob turned around to see if anyone else was there "Could you kill that Bob guy? He's driving me insane."

"How about I cut off his dk? Never done it before." Replied Blarg.

"Sure. Try to make it painful. But wait a minute. I got to get my camera. The other guys are going to want to see this." He returns and begins the camcorder. They bust into the restroom, Blarg first. Yelling occurs, along with laughs from Rob as Bob's is cut off.

"No chance any more, bch."

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Yeah, that's it. Review. And don't bother to complain. It saves all of us time.


End file.
